


Cigarettes & Cravings

by mlepclaynos



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Anxious Amy Santiago, Cigarettes, Domestic, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jake Peralta Loves Amy Santiago, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:43:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlepclaynos/pseuds/mlepclaynos
Summary: One of the first things they knew had had to be thrown out of their home when they decided to start trying, were all of Amy’s shame cigarettes. Well, maybe not all of them.
Relationships: Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	Cigarettes & Cravings

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm back with another one shot that just came up in my mind while rewatching the earlier seasons.  
> Once again I'm writing super late at night, so please let me know if there are any typos or grammar errors.  
> Other than that, I hope you all enjoy! <3

Jake sat on the couch playing a new – not too intense – game he had downloaded on his phone, when she walked out with a pack of cigarettes she hadn’t thrown out. Looking up at the new item on the table, it was one of the few times he had been distracted away from the game.

His phone was forgotten about when her saw her hands fidgeting. He knew she felt ashamed of her smoking, not only because of what it did to her health, but because she knew what it did to her, yet she couldn’t give it up. Smoking was looked down on, it harmed her, it made her imperfect. In her mind, the smoking stood before her as a symbolic reminder of why she wasn’t the perfect child her parents wanted, why she wasn’t the best she could be, and she let herself down when she picked up a cigarette just like she let others down.

Jake opened his mouth to say something to her, but before a word could escape, Amy’s eyes began diverting away from him in embarrassment. He sighed out of feeling hurt for her. His amazing wife always lowered her eyes in shame when her cigarettes came up. She was able to control everything possible, however she couldn’t find a way to control her urge for nicotine when moments of stress came forth. How could he tell her and make her believe it was alright if she had a weakness, she was just human like everyone else. How could he make her believe that he was in awe of her every single day, that he was so proud to be her husband, that she was a role model for many people just like him. But he knew his words would reach her, but she wouldn’t be able to accept them.

Years ago, before he knew how much her the pressure of her parents’ expectations and her brother’s achievements had broken her, his words would have made her smirk before she made a joke about him. But now, knowing the woman behind the curtain of the overconfident Amy, he knew his words of praise wouldn’t erase the disappointment she felt in herself when it came to the one thing she had a hard time controlling. The only thing he could do was try to help her whenever the matter came up, whether she wanted to be able to have a cigarette without him saying anything or support her through the various times she tried to quit. 

All he knew was, he was grateful she had been able to feel comfortable enough to smoke around him instead of feeling the need to hide it away from him like she had with her previous boyfriends. He tried not to clench his hand in anger thinking about how she felt the need to hide her addition from people who were supposed to love her and not make her feel bad about having flaws like they all did.

His eyes softened looking at her slump onto their couch, hands covering her head, knowing very well she wanted to pick up a cigarette in that moment. She hadn’t told him, but he knew she was worried this was going to be like the other times she had tried to quit but was unable to. However, she had already gone 3 months without smoking and he wished she could see it was longer than all other times she had tried, but worried it would add more pressure on her. He understood how important it was for her to be able to stop the smoking now more than ever and he also knew how much her expectations for herself had increased.

Sitting down next to her, he placed his hand on top of her knee. As she groaned in defeat and in worry of the impending challenge in front of her, he gently pressed her knee in silent assurance.

She was frustrated. She could do anything asked of her. She would do anything to get pregnant, from taking any and all vitamins she required to meticulously planning out their diets and “ud” times, and she even had talked Jake into going on a morning jog with her. But her need for nicotine when she was stressed was overwhelming and the thought of failing to quit again stressed her out, causing her to instantly crave nicotine. She felt so trapped. The frustration bringing hot tears to her eyes, burning her waterline as she tried to stop them from falling.

And Jake just had to be nice about it. Why was he still being patient about this? She made him give up nachos and video games, yet she couldn’t give up smoking. He should have been angry that she was ruining their chances of making a baby. Why was he touching her with so much love and fragility? Her ex had been so disappointed when she told him about the occasional smokes, then why had Jake not said anything to her in all the years they had been together? Even if he hadn’t been disappointed so far, would her failure to quit when they were trying to get pregnant finally disappoint him?

The thought of letting Jake down was the final straw.

She got up abruptly, taking him by surprise and knowing he was going to try to be motivating and encouraging, she couldn’t take it. She picked up a pack and her lighter before rushing out of their apartment. Jake, still trying to take in what had happened took a step forward to stop her, only to stop and sighing knowing she wanted her space.

~~~~

It was cold and quiet. She stood alone outside their apartment building in her sweats and an oversized t-shirt allowing the chilly New York wind to rack through her body. She felt goosebumps filling her arms and almost looked back, wanting to go into their warm home only to remember why she was outside. Taking a deep breath, she tried to stop her hands from shaking as she tried to unwrap the plastic film around the new package. Her hands, shivering from the cold and desperate battle going on in her own mind on whether she could control her urge just once more, let the pack slip between them.

An angry groan left her mouth as she picked up her dropped belonging only to find her husband standing before her as she stood back up. Her jacket in hand, he hesitated lost in his own thoughts on what to say to her. As her eyes refused shift their gaze from him, wanting him to say something instead of standing silently in front of her.

“I’m just here to give the jacket.”

Looking at his outstretched hand and then back up at him, she saw him managing to give her a soft smile, browed raised asking her to take the jacket. Why couldn’t he say something to her, so she could at least have the excuse of an argument with him to justify her smoking.

She turned her face away. She didn’t want to look at him. He looked so soft, innocent and young – face luminated by the moon and streetlights of Brooklyn – offering her warmth from the cold while she let him down like she had herself. It was too late to change her mind and look back knowing she would see his smile gone and replaced with a sad face which was worse than if he had gotten angry at her. Her hand reached into the pockets of her sweatpants, hands tightened around the lighter so hard her knuckles were turning white. She didn’t want to, but it was so hard.

But when she felt the warm fabric of her favourite jacket being slid onto her shoulders, her heart physically felt like it was in pain. He was gentle, trying not to get her way as he made sure the jacket would stay wrapped around her, his own cold fingers carefully trying their best to not touch the back of her neck as he slipped her ponytail from under the jacket.

It was the kiss that started the tears. It was so faint, almost impossible to know his lips had touched the back of her head, but her body knew his every touch. Backed turned to him, she had felt him inching closer, his breath slow and steady as if he wanted to do more but had settled with a light touch she would barely realize. Without looking at him, she knew he had lifted his arm wanting to hug her from behind but decided against doing so before he stepped back. He was going to let her be like she would ideally want.

But he was wrong this time. Feeling the cold wind return as he moved away from her, her cheeks burned as the tears slid down and she wanted him to come back. She didn’t want to have a few minutes alone to fulfill her need for nicotine, she wanted her husband to hold her, keeping her hidden from the cold.

“If I can’t stop smoking while we are trying, how will I do it when I’m pregnant?”

Her voice was so quiet, a whisper that barely reached him. But it was something, it was enough to stop him in his steps. He turned back and found himself facing her back again. Walking up to her cautiously, he stood in front of her and still struggled to find words that would be helpful to her. Instead, his arms went around her taking her into a bear like yet affectionate hug, holding her tightly like she would leave like a gust of wind if he let go. Her arms snaked around him, joining on his back as she hid herself in the dip of his neck. Her tears fell onto his cold skin feeling like hot flash of heat and held her tighter if it was possible, as if it would make her stop crying.

“I’m going to be horrible at this Jake, I’m going to be a horrible mom.”

She began to sob into his shoulder, not realizing she had started to walk wherever he guided slowly. She heard the shh and hushes coming from him while his hand rubbed her arms trying to soothe her. She whimpered when she felt him moving away from her only to hear keys jingling and that’s when she realized they had reached their apartment.

Before she knew it, she was on their couch, jacket removed and replaced with his hoodie that she clutched onto while he found her a throw blanket. She didn’t know how much time had passed but she couldn’t stop her tears anymore. It all had come crashing down on her. The inability to control – whether it was how long it was taking to get pregnant, the need for a cigarette, and now the tears – it will all weighing down on her chest. All she could do was try to breathe through her tears and mumble the sentence she had been repeatedly since he took her in for a hug.

“Going…horrible mom…. horrible…”

She brought her knees up and hid her face between them wanting to curl up into a ball away from everyone. But watching her crumble before him, Jake couldn’t let it go on. Getting on his knees in front of her, his hands touched her cheek, attempting to wipe off her tears while his free hand moved up and down on her leg trying to comfort her.

“Ames, please stop.”

He whispered trying to understand how he could support the woman who was always his support. He had never seen her so vulnerable before him and it caused a pain in his chest he couldn’t describe. He didn’t know his own eyes were brimmed with tears and his eyes spoke of hurt and desperation to make her stop crying until his vision had blurred, forcing him to rub his eyes.

Looking back up at her, he found her sobs had slowed and she had raised her head peeking at him. Immediately taking her hand into his, he lifted her chin making him look into his eyes. There was nothing he could tell her except what he felt, not knowing if it would convey how unfair she was being to herself, that she didn’t need to put so much pressure on herself, and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind (except her own) that Amy Santiago was going to be a wonderful parent. Cupping her cheek in his hand, wiping her tears as they fell, he leaned in closer allowing their foreheads to touch softly.

“You’re going to be an amazing mom. Don’t ever question that, and you know why I know you’ll be amazing?” She shook her head and he chuckled through his own tears.

“Look at what you’ve made of me. I drink water, I read books, and I even eat vegetables sometimes.” A faint smile came forth on her face before it disappeared. His own expression mirrored her as he closed his eyes.

“I trust you to be such a good mom that it made me believe I could be a decent dad.” He spoke a truth from the bottom of his heart that made her breathe stop for a moment. Her own hand reached out, resting on his jaw as he tried to control his shaky voice.

“As long as I’m having a baby with you, I think I can do it because…even if I suck at being a parent, I know you will be there to help me be better at it.”

She moved away from trying to take in what he had just told her, but their hands remained locked as he looked at her. He wasn’t disappointed in her, she knew that look on his face. It was a look he had when he told her to take her sergeant’s exam, when he watched her pass the sergeant’s exam and when he had watched her stop caring about why her brother was her parents’ favourite. He was proud. He genuinely believed she was going to be a good mom. It almost made her want to believe it herself.

But how could it be true?

How could she be a good mom if she couldn’t even do this? If she was going to increase their chances of getting pregnant, she had to let go of her nervous smoking and she found herself thinking about the cycle she was caught in. As the feelings of helplessness etched back up, she wanted to reach into her pocket once again, but was unable to since Jake had been holding onto her hands and she couldn’t bring herself to let go of him.

“But it’s so hard to resist sometimes. I get so nervous about smoking that I need to smoke.”

He nodded in understanding before he managed to smile at her, getting up to sit next to her. Snuggling into him while he wiped her face with his sleeve removing the streaks of tears and mascara, she tried to resist the pack of cigarettes that felt like a brick in her pocket.

“I know, but let’s just try and get through tonight, okay? And even if we can’t, then it’s okay. We’ll start again from day 1 tomorrow.” He shrugged at her, asking her to agree with him.

Why did he always say we? This was on her; it was her responsibility she was struggling with. He was doing his part in keeping with all her schedules and instructions while she was the one who couldn’t give up one thing. Her hand reached into her pocket pulling out the dreaded box, but before she could say or do anything, he caught her attention.

“Ames, all this talking, it’s making me snacky. Want an apple?”

He tried to hide his smile when her eyes widened, knowing very well his mention of fruits was enough to distract her from what she was about to do. She raised her brows questioning whether he was serious and when he shrugged, she tried not to giggle. Getting up, knowing Jake had never cut an apple in his life and she didn’t want to deal with a kitchen mishap this late, she had a feeling he was up to something.

He followed her into their kitchen where she placed her cigarettes on the counter before turning to the fruit basket to grab him a snack, which he knew she would end up eating, while he patiently waited for her become engrossed in her task. Once assured she was busy in what she was doing, he quietly picked up her cigarettes, putting them in his own pocket.

What he managed to remember – from previous attempts to quit - and she had forgotten was she snacked on green apples a lot, like the one she was cutting up, when she had cravings. He had learned quickly “out of sight, out of mind” worked well for her it came to her smokes. Opening up their cupboard, perfectly stocked with labelled spices in alphabetically order, he pulled out the cinnamon, knowing there was no way he would have to actually eat a slice of apple now.

15 minutes later, he sat at their kitchen island watching her enjoy her apple, having forgotten about her cravings. Everything was going to be fine – at least that’s what he thought until she had finished cleaning up after her snack and he began yawning. Watching him lay his head down on the island, she ran her hand through his hair making him want to sleep right there. However, she managed to get him into their room only for the sleep to leave him when he realized their bedroom window was open allowing the smell of tobacco that filled their city into their apartment. 

“Damn it New York.” He muttered under his breath watching his wife clenching & unclenching her fists in an attempt to center herself. He quickly closed their window, joking about how he didn’t want her to leave him without a blanket while they slept, while to figure out what else he could do to distract her mind.

Amy herself knew he wasn’t acknowledging the smell that filled their room in fear of making her cravings worse. But she felt the spiral beginning once again as she rummaged through her pockets and her hand met her lighter. But it seemed like her husband had an idea of his own – she could almost see a light bulb go on in his head – as he looked at the object she held in her hand.

“Babe, great idea. I knew great minds think alike.” He tried to lie through his teeth but looking at her doubtful expression, he knew he couldn’t lie. Nonetheless he pointed out the aromatic candle that had behind her placed on their dresser as he watched her understand what he was saying. She nervously smiled at him when he acted casually and began to get ready for bed, believing his wife would be able to fight off the craving for just a bit longer.

She closed her eyes, but it only heightened the lingering scent of ashy nicotine in their room and she knew her husband’s idea wouldn’t fail. Quickly using her lighter, she lit up the candle and a scent of jasmine was sudden surrounding her. Not wanting to move from her place until the melting wax was able to cover up the pesky reminder of cigarettes, felt him slowly approaching her.

Amy’s eyes remain closed, but she smiled when he slid his arms around her waist, his nose nestling into the crook of her neck as he placed a kiss onto her collarbone. The lighter in her hand long forgotten about. The scent of the candle was overpowered by a sweet smell of cinnamon and vanilla that came from his proximity. She almost groaned at the loss of his cozy presence when he stepped back only to open her eyes in a daze as he helped her take off the hoodie she wore.

She barely had the chance to feel the cold air since he had pulled her closer to him, his lips capturing hers as her hand instinctively reached up to the back of his head. A bite on her lips had her whimpering as she moved her hips against his.

“Amy…”

His voice moaned in her ears having a dizzying effect as pulled him even closer to her. Her senses no longer knew anything besides Jake. Opening her eyes briefly, she was met with an impatient desire in his eyes, and her expressions served as a reflection of his own they rushed towards their bed. Everything else was long forgotten – she only had one need now.

**Author's Note:**

> So there it is! I don't think this is my best writing, but after having to do technical/factual analysis all day, I needed to work on something creative and this is what I managed to come up with. 
> 
> Nonetheless, I still hope you all liked it!
> 
> And if you could leave any feedback or kudos, it would mean so much!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
